I need to unhinge and lose things. Lose all this framework and structure and shit all this built-up crap that I carrya round and carry off without ever really thinking about it and yet move into something I think about even less and don’t give myself a chance to stop to say ‘no’ or halt myself in the process of just hinking while staring at the kes like I’m doing now and not worrying about grammar or punctuation or any of that shit that I used to be so proud of but now is all I really have and is something I fall back on rather than use in any kind of interesting way. I fall into the execution of a comma or a full stiop or speech marks and try and build up things with these, the tinty tiny little building blocks while the huge big blocks of words slide around them and do their bidding. Slavery is what it is it’s a type of slavery where the little things are being controlled by me and are bossing around the big, useful, expressive things that could do so much more if only they weren’t being controlled by dots and dashes and commas anad speech marks and the little rhythms I’m trying tos et up with them rather than using the words themselves and this is really bad., It’s a really bad thing and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop ding it because in the middle of me controlling these fingers is a good boy who wants to make th e teacher proud and do good work and get a gold star and if I can’t beat that little shit out of myself and my writing, if I can’t get shot of that smug little bastard kid then I will never write anything good because I will always be doing this, always be typing with an eye to that litlt efucking kid who will in turn be looking towads the approval of a teacher who is no longer there.
